There are some conversational topics that will make anyone squirm. Try steering the watercooler talk towards "the big C," or drop "the C word" and watch your friends, family and coworkers' brains begin to shut down. Yes, I'm talking about Comcast.
About the only thing worse than talking
about them is talking
to them, but as modern adults we are often burdened with both tasks. The initial problem that led to my need to contact the big evil Internet machine was one that I don't really heap much blame on them for - they shipped me the wrong thing.
Last week I received a cold call. The excellent
Truecaller told me it was my wonderful ISP - since I give them a load of money each month, it seemed like it might be in my best interest to take the call.
On the phone, I was told that for $3 more a month I could get an Internet connection that was ~4x faster than my current service, plus TV with HBO, plus two cable boxes. When I asked about shipping and setup fees, I was told that these would be waived, and two cable boxes would be shipped to my house free of charge. About this I was ambivalent - I'd sort of rather not have TV service in my house, but since it was a requirement to get the faster Internet, I consented, thinking eventually I'd either hook it up or not.
(In my mind, this hard sales push is a direct response to
Netflix's recent insane numbers and jubilant CEO. But maybe they just like fucking with people, I don't really know.)
So the package arrived, large enough for two cable boxes but feeling empty. Upon opening it up, I found two identical packets of cable TV information, but no cable boxes. Chalking it up to standard Comcast fuckery, I waited, but the cable boxes
never came. For me, this shipping mixup is somewhat understandable - there's something about putting the right things in the right boxes that can be difficult for people to wrap their heads around. Not saying that I don't want to put Comcast down as much as possible, but about this I'm not too peeved.
On the suggestion of a coworker, I decided to chat up Comcast online rather than deal with the known nightmare of a phone conversation with them.
But that chat was worse. In it, Comcast:
- Transferred me three times to three different departments.
- Took one to ten minutes to respond after each message.
- Informed me that I was only slated to receive one cable box.
- Intimated that I would be charged for the box's delivery no matter what.
- Informed me that I could not cancel my TV service over the chat system,
- citing the insecurity of their chat system as the primary reason!
The most fucked up part is, I knew it was a trap when I agreed to the upgrade. I guess I just wanted to see
how much of a trap it was.
After most ISP encounters, people often find themselves in need of a cathartic retelling. Comcast's depth of unscrupulousness and incompetence is known by all, but it still fairly boggles the mind to see it. It's sort of like watching a video of a guy doing a backflip, or girl getting
hit in the head with a shovel - you aren't surprised that it happened, but does get your sympathetic nervous system pumping.
For the brave, the bored, and the masochistic, the full text of our chat follows. It took probably an hour from start to finish. Writing this article took less time than my ineffectual chat. Enjoy.
user Matthew has entered room
analyst Abhishek has entered room
Abhishek: Hello Matthew_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Abhishek. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Matthew: My Issue: Did not send cable boxes - only manuals were in the package sent
Abhishek: Hi Matthew , how are you doing today?
Matthew: fine thanks
Abhishek: I understand. Let me take care of this right away.
Abhishek: For account security, can I ask you few questions?
Matthew: yes
Abhishek: Thank You!
Abhishek: Can I have last 4 digits of your social security number?
Matthew: XXXX
Abhishek: Thank you for that information.
Abhishek: Can I have account number?
Matthew: one second
Abhishek: Okay. No problem.
Matthew: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Abhishek: Perfect! Thank you for that information.
Abhishek: Matthew, I apologize as this department handles User ID and Password inquires. I can transfer you to concerned department who can provide the necessary assistance. Is that ok with you?
Matthew: yes
Abhishek: Thank You!
Abhishek: I will be happy to get you in touch with the correct department. Comcast values your business. Please stay connected to the chat while I transfer you.
Matthew: ok
Abhishek: Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst
Matthew: My Issue: Did not send cable boxes - only manuals were in the package sent
user Matthew has entered room
analyst Priyanka has entered room
Matthew: ok
Waiting for response from Abhishek
Priyanka: Thank you for your interest in Comcast! It's my pleasure to process your order and answer any questions you may have.How are you doing today?
analyst Abhishek has left room
Matthew: fine thnks
Priyanka: Glad to hear it. That's awesome!
Matthew: so the issue is comcast was supposed to send me 2 cable boxes, but instead sent a package that only had manuals
Priyanka: Matthew, Please give me a moment to review your information.
Matthew: ok
Priyanka: Thank you.
Priyanka: I apologize for the inconvenience .
Matthew: it's all good
Priyanka: Let me check that for you.
Matthew: ok
Priyanka: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Priyanka: I can see that one cable box and one welcome manual has been delivered to your address.
Priyanka: Isn't it?
Matthew: Nope, incorrect. I got two welcome manuals and no cable boxes
Matthew: And I was supposed to get two cable boxes
Matthew: The box that the welcome manuals came in was large enough to fit a cable box, but there was none inside
Priyanka: Okay! I can ship two cable boxes it will reach to your address within 3-4 business working days.
Matthew: Ok great
Matthew: Free of charge, correct?
Priyanka: If you want you can pick it up from local Comcast store, I can add boxes for you to your account.
Priyanka: Pickup is free.
Matthew: Haha, so my account only has a single box? The representative lied to me, she told me I could get two for free?
Priyanka: I apologize for the inconvenience.
Priyanka: One primary box will be free however the additional box will cost you $9.95/mo
Matthew: Actually, I'd like you to remove tv service from my account
Matthew: No cable boxes are needed
Priyanka: I'm saddened to know that you will be cancelling our Cable TV, services. Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?
Matthew: Nope
Priyanka: I apologize, I would love to do that for you but as we are from sales department, we are not authorized to cancel any service ,
Matthew: Connect me with someone who can
Priyanka: Cancelling of services is not something that can be done via chat. Billing details needs to be discussed prior to removing the service that you no longer need from the account. We do not recommend discussing it via chat for security purposes. I can refer you to our Customer Care Center at 1-800-XFINITY or 1-800-934-6489 to remove from your account.
Matthew: Oh, so this chat is insecure?
Matthew: What are the hours at that phone number?
Priyanka: you can call between 9am-7pm.
Matthew: Thanks
Priyanka: You are welcome.
Matthew: Don't send me any cable boxes
Priyanka: You need to call on 1800 XFINITY only they can cancel your request.
Matthew: You got it. Are you saying that you're going to ship a cable box to me? Please do not do that
Priyanka: Yes I have not made any changes on your account.
Matthew: Great thanks
It'll be a shocker if I ever tag a post with "storytime" and "comcast", but not "pita". Thanks for reading.